Hi! I'm Ako and I'm Positive

"Hi! I'm <insert name> and I'm positive." 

I wish it's that easy to say to other people. Disclosure has always been an initial issue among PLHIVs aside from ARV side effects, fear of death, stigma, etc. So many questions arise if you decide on disclosing it to other people like - When is the best time to disclose your status? Who can you trust? What will happen if your friend or family know your status? Will they avoid me? Will they disown me? Will they still treat me the same way or differently? Are they going to be empathic or disgusted? And usually, like me, we often think of negative answers which add to our worries.

In my case, I have my own set of dilemmas as well. Whenever I feel like disclosing my status to someone, I think about it for a very long time and create a "disclosing strategy". Usually, I start discussing HIV in our normal conversations and I observe how they will react on the topic. Fortunately, I haven't encountered anyone who's been negative on the subject. Then I pick a perfect moment to share my story. People who knew my status have always been open minded and understanding afterwards. Maybe because they were informed prior to my disclosure or they are just simply shocked by my news. 

I have been keeping a list of people who know and I plan to disclose my status. I know that these people will never judge me, will still accept me and will be very understanding and supportive. I have already disclosed it to more than 50% of the people in the list. The list includes friends from high school, college and extended college, family, co-workers, PLHIVs I've met, and advocacy volunteers I've work with. I know it's a lot but I know they can help me as well in this journey.


As I have mentioned in my earlier posts,  The Beginning Part 1 and Part 2, I have shared it to 4 of my friends (2 from high school and 2 from college). When I received my confirmatory result, I immediately decided to tell it to more of my extended college friends. I sent a text message to them and asked to meet me for dinner the following week. I sought help from friends who know already to gather our friends.


We all decided to meet at Recipes in Robinson's Midtown. L, K, and C were there as well as 3 other friends, M, N and E for dinner. There were the usual laughs in our conversations and updates in our lives. Then when it was my turn, I said "I have news." 

The 3 newbies started to speculate like, I already have a boyfriend, I will move abroad, I have a new job, etc. But I said that they are all wrong. So again, I told my story from the very start. From the point I received a text message then went to the free rapid HIV testing then for the confirmatory. Everybody on the table was silent for a while. Then questions started to fill the conversation and I willingly answered them all. From what will happen to me, how I got it, is there a cure, etc. Afterwards, they showed their support for me. They said that we've been friends for years now and nothing will change. They told me to take care of myself and they will be there to help me out. They all decided to take the test as well.

A few weeks after that, I met another high school friend, S,  at a nearby cafe and told him my status. He thought that I was just joking. I just said, "Why would I joke about that?" 

He was shocked and did not talk for a while. After a few minutes we were back in to our normal discussions. We veered away from that particular topic. He is uncomfortable to talk about it even before. I understand where he is coming from. But he is still supportive and I know he is just worried with me and scared that I might be gone soon.

Days after Christmas, I met my high school friends again at a mall for a dinner and a catch-up. J was the first one to arrive. While waiting for B, L and S, I pulled him to a very quiet place and started telling my story again. He did not ask about anything. He just hugged me. Out of the 6 high school friends that I have, he was the least closest.  But with that hug, he assured me that he will be there for me through and through.

Just after New Year, I met up with K and C at a tea shop in Cubao. A went with us since he lives near the area. A is into the spiritual, metaphysical and paranormal being of things. After I told him my status, he was just calm. He asked me to write my wish in a piece of paper and he said a prayer in Latin (I think) for me and our other friends. I wonder now if people around us think that we're crazy. I admit that I'm not religious and haven't prayed to God about my illness for a while. Maybe because I don't want to ask him why He put me in this hard situation. I felt good after the prayer. It's as if all the pain that I'm feeling went away.

Last February, some college and extended college friends decided to meet up near my workplace for dinner. K, C, A, E, M went to the dinner. G and D came along since they also work in that area, and O went as well. The main reason why we had that dinner in that area was really for the three. Because I really planned to tell them my status, It's just that the other five friends want to be there and see our three friends as well.

After dinner, we went to a park just across the restaurant. Then the storytelling began. There were no dramas after. only hugs and comforting words from them. Then after 10 to fifteen minutes of talking about it, we were back to our fun and full of laughs conversations as if nothing happened. Maybe because I also assured them that I will be alright. I think that revelation also help D stop smoking. When we all went home, I felt how I am loved by my friends. I received several heartwarming text messages from them.

I am very thankful to have friends like them. I know them already for 6-20 years. We've been through a lot already and know each others' personal lives. If anything has changed, my relationship with them just became deeper. I can also say that my friends' lives were also affected in a good way. We are all maintaining a healthy lifestyle now, lesser night outs, drinking and smoking.

Disclosure is a way of therapy for me. Whenever I reveal my status to a friend, I always feel relieved. Maybe because they understand the situation and what HIV is. They never made me feel I am different. Nothing has changed how they treated me. I also never thought how deep our relationship is and how they can be so supportive.

I haven't disclosed my status to any member of my family yet. I am not ready and I think they aren't too. I know that they will still be there for me no matter what. I just don't want to cause any pain and worry to them. I will disclose when I really need to and when the right time comes. But right now, I can still manage my health with the support and love of my friends, and how I take care of myself. It's a different situation when it comes to the family. As of the moment, I am enjoying more time with my family and showing how much I love them.